Midnight Movie Review - G.I. Joe: Retaliation

I write this with a heavy heart.

The new GI JOE movie sucks.

I went to see the midnight showing (that was actually at 9pm. Remember when you used to have to wait until midnight for a midnight showing of a movie on opening weekend?).  I dragged along my poor friend Andy, since she’s the only one stupid enough who doesn’t have kids and will see these films with me at “midnight.”

Unfortunately, Andy and I are 0 for 3 in our midnight movie viewings. Our other two: The Bourne Legacy and Die Hard 5 were also pretty bad. I keep telling her the next movie we see will be better. But I keep getting proved a liar.

I am pretty much biting my tongue completely off not to give away the hugest of all spoilers in GI Joe: Retaliation. Although to be honest, I wish someone would’ve just told me. I think I could’ve relaxed and enjoyed the movie a bit more.  But probably not much more.

So what’s wrong with the movie exactly? Take your pick: it’s disjointed, bland, and tension-less  -- just kind of big and dumb.  Will my 9- and 10-year-old sons like it? Oh heck yeah. After all, there are lots of fight scenes and raining ninjas and blowing stuff up. (I give it a very soft PG-13, for any parents who might be wondering – it really could’ve almost gone PG)

Palicki's Lady Jaye

But I was hoping for more…. something.  More anything but absurd action. After all, these characters are pretty important to me – I grew up on GI Joe. In South Florida, running around as the only girl in a neighborhood of boys, we played GI Joe all the time. I was Lady Jaye.  I know these characters and love them, but the film? Not so much.

There were some good things about the movie. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson brought his normal charming blend of charisma and swagger as Roadblock. Bruce Willis is gleeful as the original General Joe.  Channing Tatum and D.J. Cotrona are both hot (although Cotrona’s Flint left me pretty cold). Adrianne Palicki played my namesake Lady Jaye with as much flair as could be mustered for a pretty one-dimensional role.

Snake Eyes

And Snake Eyes? Well, he’s got bad-assery down without ever saying a word. Ray Parks communicates all he needs too by leaving the string of dead and unconscious bodies in his wake.  

The bad stuff I’ve pretty much already pointed out. But I would be neglect in my duty if I didn’t mention the mind-numbingly awful performance of RZA from Wu-Tang. He makes an appearance as the “Blind Master” about half way through the film and single-handedly kills all the momentum in the movie. Seriously. Screeching halt.

No kidding, using this toy would've been a better option

Not that the movie had a great deal of true momentum to begin with, but whatever it had was gone by the time RZA finished with his scene.

True Joe fans will be disappointed by this film. They can’t help but be. Non-Joe fans may not care as much. As a silly action movie, GI Joe: Retaliation is not really too bad. But not really too good either.

Now you know.

And knowing is…  well, you know.